Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
