So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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