so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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