life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
