3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
