Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
