I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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