I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
