FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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