I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
