pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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