i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
