my mouth tastes like poor choices
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
