I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
