Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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