Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
