I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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