u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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