I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
