White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
