Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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