In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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