I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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