yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
