I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
