Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
