if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
