He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
