so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
