went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
