**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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