I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
