hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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