Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
