I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
