i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
