OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
