Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
