omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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