You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
