my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
