I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
