Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
