i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
