I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
