No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
