My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
