I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
