If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
