No awkward lesbian experiences without me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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