Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Randomize
